The Boundary Paradox: How Setting Limits Can Expand Possibilities
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your understanding of boundaries was challenged? Recently, I had an experience that not only tested my own boundaries but also reinforced why teaching about healthy boundaries is so crucial, especially in the workplace. (I riff more in the recording, but you can read the gist below.)
And, I’m so, so tickled to see the names joining “Heal/Thy Boundaries”! Thank you for getting in on the bonuses and for getting the Early-Bird Price, too! And it’s NOT TOO LATE for more folks to take advantage of getting in early! C’mon and join me!
Picture this:
It's 10:30 PM, the night before I'm set to give a major presentation on healthy boundaries to a large bank known for its customer service excellence. I've spent weeks preparing, customizing my material to their specific needs. My slides are ready, my notes are polished, and I'm feeling a mix of excitement and nerves… so doing more to the slides, of course!
Then, my phone buzzes. It's an urgent email requesting an immediate call. The vice president of the company is "very concerned" about my upcoming talk.
My heart sinks. Months of preparation, and now this? But here's where the rubber meets the road when it comes to boundaries. Taking this call wasn't a violation of my boundaries - it was honoring something that was important to me. More importantly, I knew that addressing these concerns now was crucial to the success of the presentation. Sometimes, maintaining boundaries means being flexible in the short term to honor our larger commitments.
The Misunderstanding About Boundaries
During our late-night call, I discovered the root of the VP's concern. She feared that my talk on boundaries would encourage a "my way or the highway" attitude among employees. In her mind, teaching about boundaries meant I'd be telling people to "stick it to the man" and walk away if they didn't like what they were asked to do.
This misconception is far more common than you might think. Many people believe that setting boundaries means being inflexible, punitive, or unwilling to compromise. But nothing could be further from the truth.
Reframing Boundaries: From Walls to Compasses
Here's how I explained boundaries to the concerned VP:
Alignment, Not Isolation: Healthy boundaries aren't about separating ourselves from others or our responsibilities. Instead, they're about finding the sweet spot where personal needs align with organizational values.
Balance, Not Barriers: The goal of setting boundaries isn't to create impenetrable walls, but to establish a balanced framework that allows both individuals and organizations to thrive.
Navigation, Not Negation: Think of boundaries as a compass, not a line in the sand. They guide our decisions and interactions, helping us navigate complex professional landscapes while staying true to ourselves and our commitments.
To illustrate this, I offered the VP a brief coaching session. We explored a boundaries-related issue from her own life, demonstrating how to identify personal needs, implement effective boundaries, and consider the broader system she's part of.
One tool we used was the concept of a Venn diagram. Imagine one circle representing personal boundaries and another representing institutional values. The overlap - that's the sweet spot where magic happens. It's where we can honor both our personal needs and our professional commitments.
The Surprising Outcome
By the end of our impromptu coaching session, not only was the VP on board with the presentation, but she had become an advocate for this nuanced understanding of boundaries. The next morning, the talk went ahead as planned, and the response was overwhelmingly positive.
Why Boundaries Matter in the Workplace
This experience underscores the importance of understanding and implementing healthy boundaries in professional settings:
Clarity, Not Conflict: Well-communicated boundaries clarify expectations, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts.
Empowerment, Not Entitlement: Healthy boundaries empower employees to manage their time, energy, and resources effectively, leading to increased productivity and job satisfaction.
Respect, Not Resentment: When everyone's boundaries are acknowledged and respected, it fosters a culture of mutual respect and understanding.
Growth, Not Limitation: Counterintuitively, clear boundaries can create space for creativity, innovation, and professional growth.
The Boundary Paradox
Here's the beautiful paradox of boundaries: By setting limits, we actually expand possibilities. When we're clear about our boundaries, we create the psychological safety needed to take risks, be creative, and fully engage in our work.
Healthy boundaries aren't about drawing lines in the sand. They're about creating a framework that allows us to thrive while still being valuable members of our teams and organizations. With the right tools and understanding, we can set boundaries that feel good, are effective, and contribute to our professional success.
Remember, boundaries are not barriers - they're bridges to better relationships, increased productivity, and a more fulfilling career.
While I hope you’ll learn/from me, what’s most important is that you feel your boundaries are aligned and representative of who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world.
Please share this post or if you dug it, please give it some love! I want to get this work in front of the folks who will benefit from it! Thank you!
"Randi’s work has brought more changes in my life (and in myself) than anyone else, and I don't say that lightly.”
“Randi Buckley is your guide, sage, mentor, leader, guru.
The work she shares has brought more changes in my life (and in myself) than anyone else on this whole platform, and I don't say that lightly. This woman is the real deal, and it's not just ideas, it's concrete ways to take immediate action. It's not a mask of bravado and toughness either.
What Randi teaches is how boundaries can be (and indeed must be) kind in order to function. That kind and nice are two entirely different things, and that when operating properly, your boundaries are like an instruction manual to help the people in your life get the very best possible version of you.
If this sounds like work you know you need to do - run, don't walk, and check out the Healthy Boundaries For Kind People information. I promise this is good, good stuff."
— Jeannette LeBlanc, writer, Phoenix, AZ
Hello. My name is Randi Buckley. I’m a coach. Let me explain…
I’ve been coaching for 30+ years and trained as a therapist. My undergraduate degrees are in Modern Languages, Life Sciences/Anatomy and Physiology, and psychology. I have advanced degrees and/or graduate work in counseling psychology and medical ethics. I am currently a doctoral student studying and researching coaching and mentoring. My coach training includes the Co-Active Institute, The Center for Right Relationship (Organizational and Relationships Systems Coaching), The Gottman Institute, and private mentorships with coaching mentors. I was studying to become a midwife when I realized that for me, that was metaphorical.
I have trained staff and/or presented at The OMEGA Institute , The Chopra Center, Green Mountain Coffee Roasters, Ben and Jerry’s, CANYON RANCH, served as an on-set coach for NBC-FRIENDS, Stanford University, UC-Riverside, run retreats in Norway, and more. I am the creator of Healthy Boundaries for Kind People®, Maybe Baby®, and The Viking Woman Workshop. I am the Associate Dean of Skogfjorden, the Norwegian Language Village, where I have been for 35 years.
My clients include household names and big-brained/hearted common folk doing amazing things in the world. I hit the jackpot with parents who were not flawless, but were doing their own healing work, and raised with the mantra, do no harm, (be helpful, stand up for yourself and others) but take no shit. (I was raised by a Navy SEAL which proved to be a masterclass in teaching boundaries to others.)
The Late-Night Call That Almost Derailed Everything