Hello hello!
I’m trying something new(ish), an audio newsletter. It might morph into a proper podcast, or an occasional “keeping it spicy” twist in my newsletter. There’s a readable version below, but I definitely riff more in the unedited recording.
First though, a huge welcome to The Women’s Leadership Trust! I had the pleasure of speaking with them recently and it’s nice to have many of you here. Welcome!
And… HOLY CATS! I announced “Heal/Thy Boundaries” in my last note and some of you were GAME for the bonuses.
The content’s pretty great, too! In any case, we’re still in ‘pre-sale’ and in addition to this being an early-bird price, POTENT, PARED-DOWN, and PERSONALIZED (I felt moved to use all caps) boundaries (our way) education for a lifetime, we’re also in our Bonus Era. TAKE A LOOK! I’m super proud of it and know it’s potency and potential. (No caps, but worthy all the same.)
Enjoy the “podcast” and/or read the show…
Grief in Boundaries: The Hidden Emotional Landscape of Setting Limits
I want to talk to you about an unspoken aspect of boundary work that I see anytime I'm working with a client of boundaries, working in curriculum, when I did Healthy Boundaries for Kind People® and even if it's not “boundaries” per se, I still see this come up in relationship dynamics. Even when I'm working with one person. And it's part of the hidden emotional landscape of boundaries.
It's grief. As always, please remember my mantra of context, nuance, and discernment. What’s true for you?
The Unseen Grief in Boundary Work
So, here's the thing: grief is a major aspect when it comes to thinking about boundaries. It's in the results of boundaries, and it even affects the process of setting boundaries. But here's the kicker - it's often not named. We're not actively thinking about it because we're so focused on relationship dynamics or subconsciously wrestling with feelings of worthiness.
But trust me, there's this undercurrent of grief that permeates our entire boundaries conversation. So today, I'm going to name some of the ways I see grief come up in boundary work.
Why We Hesitate: The Fear of Disconnection
Let's start with a big one. People often hesitate when it comes to boundaries because of what could happen. In my work, I've identified six primary categories for why people struggle with boundaries - what I call the "pathology of crappy boundaries." One of the big ones is this fear that if we set boundaries, we're going to cause disconnection.
This taps into the deep. We're talking about concerns of abandonment, which, as we know from developmental psychology, is a big deal. I mean, a little baby isn't going to be in great shape if it's completely abandoned, right? And for some of us, that fear has stayed with us in different forms.
There's this feeling that if we have boundaries - or whatever the actual thing is we want but we call them boundaries - we're going to risk putting something between us and other people. And that risks disconnection. But here's the thing: we're wired for connection. We're wired to belong. I have a saying: "Even a lone wolf is a pack animal." We want to belong, and there's grief in feeling like we might lose that.
The Obvious and Not-So-Obvious Losses
Now, let's talk about the obvious one: loss of relationship. Sometimes, when we set boundaries, relationships fall apart or change dramatically. And there's this feeling that if you lose somebody or you're no longer connected with them, it was somehow wrong. But listen, you can miss somebody and still know it's not right for them to be in your life right now.
Even if the relationship is still active but functioning differently, there can be grief. And get this - even if there's relief, even if it was the right thing to do, you can still feel grief. It's complicated, folks.
Grieving the Idealized Relationship
Oh, and here's something I see a lot, especially when doing boundary work with people and their moms. We often have this idealized or romanticized vision of what a relationship should be. "Oh, my mom should be this," or "My sister should be that." If my mom or sister are listening, I'm not necessarily speaking about either of you! But we have these archetypes, these images of what relationships should be.
Boundaries can help you see that a relationship might not live up to that vision. Maybe it wasn't fair to have this idealized version in the first place. And yeah, there's grief in that realization.
Identity Shifts and Self-Respect
As you establish boundaries, your self-identity shifts. Usually - almost invariably - self-respect becomes a thing. Even if it isn't immediate, even if you don't like the things you have to do, self-esteem and respect are generally outcomes of new boundaries.
Not everybody's gonna like your boundaries, and that's okay. We just need them to honor them. But here's the interesting part: even when they don't like your boundaries, people often respect the fact that you have them.
But whenever our identity shifts, it requires a change in our own self-perception, leading to grief. We grieve who we thought we were or who we had been. Again, even if it wasn't a particularly healthy situation, or even if that had run its course and it was time for change, we can grieve old habits and behaviors that no longer serve us.
It's Not All Rainbows and Unicorns
There's this idea that everything is supposed to be rainbows and unicorns farting glitter when things take a healthier course of action. But reality check: we also knew those old patterns. We knew who we were in those relationships, and changing that... well, it changes things.
Cultural Expectations and Boundaries
Another tricky area is when boundaries bump up against cultural expectations. Sometimes the boundaries we want and need go against cultural norms, and that can be really challenging, particularly if your family is very ingrained in cultural ways of being. Your boundaries might feel like a threat to that way of being, at least to other people. So there's certainly potential for grief there.
Guilt, Shame, and Worthiness
Now, let's talk about guilt and shame. Particularly when you're new to setting boundaries, shame can play a huge role. The role it usually plays is making you feel like you don't deserve to have boundaries. "Who am I to do this differently?" Worthiness comes into play big time.
Shame really shows up when you want to be respectful toward others, or if you've been a people pleaser and derive part of your self-identity or self-worth from what you can do for others. When that changes, it can feel shameful in a couple of ways: shameful that you didn't have those boundaries in place to begin with, and guilt for having the boundaries now.
Mourning Lost Time
As things change, it's not uncommon to feel grief over the past. You might think, "Oh man, it was not good for so long. How could I have let that be? Why was I in a relationship where that was the case?"
What I generally say to that is: you stopped it. You made a change now. Some people go a whole lifetime before they ever make that change. It's a little bit like having a bad habit that leads to a health issue. Even if you've changed that habit, you might have a lot of regret and grief for what was, even as you're moving on to something better.
Anticipatory Grief in Boundary Setting
Then there's anticipatory grief. If you've ever had someone who's been very ill, life-threateningly ill, or a pet toward the end of their life, or known you're going to lose your job, you know what I'm talking about. You're experiencing grief in anticipation of potential losses that may occur due to setting boundaries.
Past Traumas and Boundary Work
One thing that definitely comes up in boundary work - and it's really important to get support for this if it does - is when past traumas resurface. You're afraid you're going to relive past experiences where boundaries were violated. But here's the thing: you have different tools now. Still, there can be a lot of grief around confronting and coming to terms with that, or in finding out what healing work needs to be done.
Family Dynamics and Changing Constellations
Oh, grief with family dynamics - I've seen this over and over. A family member brings somebody into the constellation of your family that you wouldn't have chosen for them. The dynamics change. Maybe they're head over heels, but you're not particularly fond of their choice. There's grief for the changing family roles, for what the relationship was.
Anytime there's a shift, that familial constellation changes, and there can certainly be grief.
Workplace Transitions and Boundaries
In the workplace, grief shows up too. Somebody leaves. You establish some boundaries. People aren't interacting with you in quite the same ways. You have a new role where the boundaries may have naturally changed. You're maturing. You're changing your boundaries. You're managing people differently. You lost your job. You're demoted. There are so many combinations here, but any sort of workplace transition as a result of changing boundaries can certainly bring grief.
Recognizing Others' Boundaries
And here's the final thing I'm going to say… for today: other people's boundaries. It's not unusual when people come to work with me that a couple of weeks in, there's this insight. They go through exercises and learn the way I teach boundaries, and suddenly they realize, "Whoa, I'm actually not as good at honoring other people's boundaries as I thought."
There's grief around that too. Grief that you weren't seeing that people were having boundaries, that when they said, "No, thank you," but you persisted because you wanted to be helpful, wanted to be a helper, wanted to help carry the burden or the groceries or whatever it might be, but you didn't honor that. That can change.
Closing Thoughts
So, grief is a huge aspect of boundaries. I don't say this to give you yet another reason to be challenged in having boundaries, or wanting boundaries, or not knowing what to do to have boundaries, but to name it.
It's okay to miss things and still grieve them. In fact, that's completely normal. We can handle grief, and one of the ways we heal boundaries is to recognize that grief and honor it for what it is.
Thanks for sticking with me through this exploration of grief and boundaries. Until next time, be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex emotional landscapes.
Hello. My name is Randi Buckley. I’m a coach. Let me explain…
I’ve been coaching for 30+ years and trained as a therapist. My undergraduate degrees are in Modern Languages, Life Sciences/Anatomy and Physiology, and psychology. I have advanced degrees in counseling psychology and medical ethics. I am currently a doctoral student studying and researching coaching and mentoring. My coach training includes the Co-Active Institute, The Center for Right Relationship (Organizational and Relationships Systems Coaching), The Gottman Institute, and private mentorships with coaching mentors. I was studying to become a midwife when I realized that for me, that was metaphorical.
I have trained staff and/or presented at The OMEGA Institute , The Chopra Center, Green Mountain Coffee Roasters, Ben and Jerry’s, CANYON RANCH, served as an on-set coach for NBC-FRIENDS, Stanford University, UC-Riverside, run retreats in Norway, and more. I am the creator of Healthy Boundaries for Kind People®, Maybe Baby®, and The Viking Woman Workshop. I am the Associate Dean of Skogfjorden, the Norwegian Language Village, where I have been for 35 years.
My clients include household names and big-brained/hearted common folk doing amazing things in the world. I hit the jackpot with parents who were not flawless, but were doing their own healing work, and raised with the mantra, do no harm, (be helpful, stand up for yourself and others) but take no shit. (I was raised by a Navy SEAL which proved to be a masterclass in teaching boundaries to others.)
I work with individuals, leaders, and organizations. Contact me and we can chat about that.
Boundaries and Grief